I painted this piece, Letting go, in 2024, when I felt like I had (still have) something to say, something to release, but I’m withholding it. Just the thought of setting free even a little squeak frightens me. I want to scream. Scream until I’m hoarse. I can’t let it out, though. My scream takes its form as a lump in my throat that I can’t swallow. I won’t let myself release the sound.
I’m drained from this mask I’m wearing, yet I’m not any closer to removing it. It’s difficult for me to be vulnerable. I’m holding myself back, and I’m scared. I'm scared and I don’t know why; it’s frustrating. I want to be able to say how I feel, say what I want, and say what I need without second-guessing every move and sound I make.
I can feel my shoulders tense up and my chest tighten, but when I’m home I can let my shoulders drop and my chest feel less constricted. Home is my haven, outside of that my anxious hands, and teary eyes come creeping back. My dream is to one day let myself go, breathe, and finally release that scream I yearn to do.
Letting go is one of my favorite pieces. I say that about almost every piece I make, but this is one of the pieces that hits me the hardest. Even making this post was hard, because it’s like I’m outside of my own body forcing myself to say how I truly feel.
Do you have something that you want to do but you’re holding yourself back?
so many emotions to free